So I have been struggling with my self edit button - what is appropriate to put on the blog and what is not. While I know most of my readers there are some that I don't and I'm not sure that I am ready to feel completely vulnerable. That said, I have been struggling with several things and I feel that getting them out would open the door for other people to discuss as well. So here goes.
When Ryder was born there was another couple who had a c-section just moments before us, our surgery was actually bumped for theirs. The couple are people we have both known for several years and we had been praying for them before this. She delivered twins - a little boy and a little girl. They were already back in recovery as we were wheeled by to surgery. Ryder was delivered - and was perfect.
We were wheeled back to recovery along with the other couple. Now the way the room is set up is there are curtains dividing 3 areas so 3 women could be in there at once. I was in one, the middle one was vacant, and the other couple was in the last one. As we sat in recovery we could hear their conversations. Their little boy was not doing well, they were calling friends and family asking them to pray and to come to the hospital. I have never felt so horrible. I sat there holding my healthy little boy and they were losing their's. Dwight left to go tell our parents how much he weighed and to show pictures. I held Ryder and silently sobbed - I felt guilty.
We were later moved to a room and the other couple was moved to a room by the NICU. The precious little boy went home later that evening - his sister was still in NICU (she has since gone home). I cried that night with Dwight as we marveled over our son and how so easily it could have been us.
The rest of our stay was uneventful and we went home 5 days later. But the thing is I don't think I ever recovered. I think it triggered something in me that just never got ok.
At my 1 week check up with my ob/gyn he started asking the typical questions and I just cried. HE did the best any shocked guy could to comfort me and wrote me a prescription for an antidepressant. I went home and cried some more. Dwight and I talked about and decided that getting the medication would be a good idea. It would help me regulate my emotions. I talked to my mom about how I was feeling and the prescription and cried with her. I never ended up taking the medication but just filling the prescription and opening up an avenue for me to talk about it with my mom and husband made me feel so much better.
Since then I have talked to a few friends about it and the response is always - I know what you're going through. I think I was embarrassed to admit that my life wasn't perfect and that I was going to need help. Things are slowly getting back to a new normal but I want to encourage anyone who has struggled with baby blues - you are totally normal and it is going to get better.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
13 comments:
Thank you for sharing that Tara. Someone teased me once that my blog had a lot of heavy stuff on it but a lot of times we arent real. It is easy to write a cute little story on here and let people think we have it all together, when even as strong Christians we are all a mess! I will be praying for you and appreciate you being real.
Love you,
Nat
Love you, friend. Thanks for being so real and in turn helping me through real times. I'm so thankful that the Lord had us prepared to share the joys and struggles (and BLUES) of Mommyhood together.
I don't think you know how much I love you. I'm glad you're doing better and I'm so sorry you've had a hard couple of months. : ( Having 2 kids so close together is a HUGE challenge especially the first 6 months or so (at least that was the case for me.) It will get better!! I completely understand the "funk" phase. I was in it for longer than 2 months after Jack was born, for sure. You probably remember the "funky" me I'm referring to. : ) I love you so much, Tara.
Thanks for sharing your heart with us! I'll be praying for you...and I'll remember that I can talk to you if I go thru this in the future!!
Tara,
I appreciate you so much! I really struggled with the blues after Ryan was born and it took me months to admit it. I just kept telling myself how grateful I should be that I had a healthy baby and that that should have been the most joyous time of my life. But lots of times all it took was people just looking at me or asking how I was and the flood gates would open. I admire your transparency so much and am praying that God will continue to hold your hand as you walk through the transition of your family of three to family of four!
Tara, Thank you for your honest post. I too have struggled with this and it is not easy. I will pray for God guide you through this tough time.
Tara, I think it is wonderful that you have opened yourself up this way. I hope it provides some release to you, and I'm positive that it will do the same for many others who read this. The baby blues and postpartum depression are very real things that are difficult to understand.
One of my lifelong prayers is that the Christian community will acknowledge how real it is and provide an environment that helps. I had a friend that couldn't find that help, and it completely breaks my heart. I'm proud of you! :)
I'm really glad you shared. I don't know if mine was the same as yours, but I had feelings of panic and being trapped for a couple of weeks after I had Bennett. It happened at the same time each day, so I knew when it was coming, but it was stressful and made me feel bad about the kind of mommy I was being. It passed, and I know it's totally normal, but it takes courage to admit something like that and voice it publicly. Good for you! It does everyone else so much good when we're honest about our struggles.
Tara-
Your honesty in life and here on this blog blesses me so! I love you and praise the Lord that He has allowed you to be such an influence on my life.
I love you so!
Becky
***My goal is to get Ryder's baby gift to you before he outgrows it...
It was so strange to read this on the very same day that I had been thinking of that couple in the hospital with you! There can certainly be a very real sadness to "survivor's guilt." I've certainly been there watching those I loved with my whole heart grieve while experiencing all the firsts with my own baby. And we all understand the physical and emotional overload as our lives change forever with a new baby! Wow! You're a fantastic mom, a wonderful friend, and I'll be praying that God will show you in extra special ways how treasured you are as you make these major life adjustments! I love you and your honesty!
Thank you for sharing such an honest, real life and emotional post. I appreciated that. We all have those moments of realizing we need others and sometimes being strong means knowing when to say I need you to someone else. Love and miss you, I love reading your blog and seeing your sweet family.
Tara,
I think you are very brave for writing this post. After reading some of the comments, it seems like we all have crazy feelings after coming home. I'm so glad you have the kind of relationship with Dwight and your mom that you can talk about fears with them. You are not alone in the feelings you are having, and I hope you are doing better soon. It was so hard for me to get the hang of 2 kids after Manning was born, it does get better and easier. (10 months later I can say that)
I will be praying for you, and don't worry about what others are thinking with the meds.....if it helps you feel better, then take it. You have to take care of the mommy!
Tara
Thank you so much for writing this post. I am in the midst of the baby blues right now. It is such a strange feeling. It hits me at night the most. thank you for saying that it does get better. i really needed to hear that. Thank you!
Post a Comment