Tara and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

Alexander ain't got nothing on me. I could school that kid on what a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day is.
Monday.
Started off not so bad. The boys and I had breakfast and we were outside to play before the sun had even crested over our roof. Scout asked for popsicles and I figured, "Why not?" It was early but I mean come on it has to be way fun and I'm not running for mom of the year anymore, so sure! We chowed down, played in the pool, sprayed the water hose, wrote with sidewalk chalk, and hung like superman on the swings. It was going to be a great day. Ryder went down easily for his morning nap and slept for an hour and a half. Since things were going so great I even deemed it a no tv day, we were going to have fun without Diego, Pablo, Mickey and June for a whole day!
Just before lunch I ran outside to get the mail. I turned around and saw the precious cherubic faces of my darling sons pressed against the screen door when I heard a familiar click. I'm not going to lie - cuss words were my first thoughts. When I told Scout to open the door, he in the most precious sweet little voice told me, "No mommy, I don't want a spanking." Again I thought cuss words and my blood was boiling at the point. But it gets worse.. Scout pushes Ryder out of the way and closes the front door and locks it, so now I can't even see them. Awesome. I run around to the back yard and in a flash of genius come up with a plan. I grab the water hose, turn it on full blast and begin to have the party of the year. I invite Scout to my party and he takes the bait. He unlocks the door and before he knows what hit him I was in the door and wooden spoon was in hand. We have a serious discussion about safety, which I am 100% positive that he retained all of, and then we had lunch. Things are looking up right?
We head to Hobby Lobby so I can get supplies to finish an art project that has only taken me 2 years. We proceed, uneventfully, to the checkout where Scout sees an airplane that apparently his life has been incomplete without. After being told no, my son promptly acts like he has been cast into the 7th circle of hell for all eternity. Awesome. The teenage checkout girl turns to me and says, "Its only two dollars, do you want to go ahead and get it?" Umm no I do not want to reward my child for flailing on the nasty floor of this store and I do not want your prepubescent advice on how to raise my kids. Thanks. We make it to the car and to Sonic where I order a route 44 coke with 2 shots of Jack only to learn that Sonic does in fact not have Jack Daniels. We get home and the boys go down for naps. This can't get worse right? Its 2, Dwight will be home soon - I can do this.
I finish my art project, make my bed, sweep the floors, and tidy up the bathrooms. The boys woke up after only an hour - I guess making complete mischief isn't very tiring. As they are playing cars I make a mad dash to throw in one load of laundry. Our laundry room is in the garage, which isn't ideal but its not a deal breaker, so I step out and Ryder follows me. I hear an all to familiar click. But not to worry, I'm in the garage and I can jimmy the lock and get in. By the time I find our trusty giftcard I hear another click. Scout has pushed a chair over to the door and locked the top flippy lock. Awesome. I beg, plead, and threaten him. Nothing. I might have angrily shaken the door and used a very loud voice - but come on@! I open the garage door to find my next door neighbor standing there. Great. I explain that Scout has locked me out for the second time today. I know she thinks I'm crazy but at least she didn't call CPS. I head around to the backyard again and pull the water hose trick. After about 30 minutes he let us in. I again spanked him, put him in timeout and then pulled out the ultimate - Scout had to tell his father what he did when he got home. I closed Scout's door, put Ryder back down for another nap and sat down on the couch. I'm not sure what happened next but Dwight called and it was almost 5 and he said he was running late. Both kids were silent and I could see a small puddle of drool on the laundry I had been folding. I feel like it was a well deserved nap.
Dwight came home and offered to take us out for dinner!! And my friend texted and wanted to go to a late movie! Things were looking up. Dinner was perfect, the movie started at 10:30 so we didn't get home till 12:45. I laid on the couch and watched some Jeopardy to make myself tired. I finally got in bed around 2:15 only to be woken up by my husband at 2:45. He was on the floor in the fetal position in excruciating pain. Called my parents, they came to keep the kids, we went to the ER and sure enough Dwight has a kidney stone. It only took the ER staff 6 hours to diagnose him, but it could have been worse right? By the time we made it home a little after 1 on Tuesday afternoon I crawled in my bed and turned off the phones and didn't get up until Dwight called for pain pills at 4.
So bring it on Alexander and your terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day - you ain't got nothing on me.